I've found a friend who died for me

I've finally remembered my Blogger password!

Blessed Christmas to one and all, it's been an eon since I've last posted here.

Christmas isn't Christmas till it happens in your heart. It's so commercialised, it's really quite sickening. People are so damn caught up in the moment and giving gifts for the sake of giving, that everyone loses sight of what Christmas really stands for. Christmas is not just a day, a holiday or a season, it's really a state of mind. Why give for the sake of giving? It cheapens the gifts that you sincerely give, really.

For me, a simple card works best. Always has, always does, hope it always will.

And this Christmas, I really wanna just count my blessings.

I'm blessed to have a complete, wonderful family that loves each other. My parents just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary, and while we grumble about each other at times, it's all good when we wake up the next morning once again.

I'm blessed to have my MJK, 7 other stupid people linked only by the class we all were in together, coming from different walks of life to form quite the awesome clique. Yes, though some things never change, and we (ahem Ireallymeanme) bitch to each other alot about "stuff", I guess being able to freely express myself without having to bother too much is a blessing. Well...maybe not to Stacy.

I'm blessed to have been put in Nanyang JC, 3 minutes from my house, that I'm almost never late, though always almost late also, especially for 7.30am Lit lessons. I've met many wonderfully insane teachers whom have provided the backbone of the last two great years of my life, providing awesome insights in the process. I must admit, I never would have expected to be typing this paragraph two years ago, never would have anticipated forming any sort of attachment to a school. I'm glad to be proven wrong, and I guess I'll always see Nanyang JC as my alma mater.

I'm blessed to be in 0836, a class with many distinctly -hemhem- different personalities and temperaments, yet somehow in the last year have managed to put all those differences aside to strive to get the best A level results we can get. What doesnt break us will make us stronger, and the A levels didn't break us. I hope we can keep in contact, it will be intriguing to see what our lives will be like, 10 years from now xD.

I'm blessed to have had many friends, to have been able to play the role of encourager, listener, brother and confidante to many people thus far. Along the way there have been bumps, knocks and scratches, but truth be told, I wouldn't have it any other way. I've learnt alot about myself just listening to others, and while I wouldnt call it a gift some of the time, this gift of language I have that's been given to me by God has really helped me to empathize and put into words what otherwise is seemingly more difficult to do so. So to those whom I call my sisters, my brothers, my friends, thank you for being part of my life, thank you for the disappointments, the heart-wrenches, the sharing, the tears and the emotions, thank you for making such an awesome impact on my life. I only hope I've made a lasting impact on yours.

I'm really blessed. And that's the gift I'm giving myself this Christmas. The realisation of how smooth sailing my life has been, and just how much God has blessed me with over the last 18 years. And this gift is priceless. Cos Christmas isn't Christmas till it happens in your heart. It's happened in mine, how about yours?

Sorry for the Portuguese subtitles, couldn't find another one. The song speaks to me, and I believe a certain number of people as well, sitting for As and JC life about to come to an end, or even just personally. Whatever. Just drop me a tag. The lyrics are below.

What do you do
When the things you once had
Aren't what they were anymore?
Remember the day
When you sat right here
And to be with you forever I swore
Faces you knew come along that don't look
Like what you remember at all
Pictures that stay in your mind
And don't leave
But still end up somehow different than before

Perfect picture of you and I
Fading faster and I think I know why
Gone without me to the other side
Must I follow, leave the old me behind?

Change
It spins us round and bends us down
Turns us inside out
Change
It melts us down, moulds us round
Into who we are
Into who we are
Into who we are

What do you do when it's hard to recall
The things you miss the most?
10,000 miles away
From the place you used to call home sweet home
Memory fades and it comes, well it goes
You'll forget it all

Perfect picture of you and I
Fading faster and I think I know why
Gone without me to the other side
Must I follow, leave the old me behind?

Change
It spins us round and bends us down
Turns us inside out
Change
It melts us down, moulds us round
Into who we are
Into who we are
Into who we are

Jokes you used to tell
The way things used to smell
Expressions on your face
Wouldn't want it any other way
I'd whisper in your ear
Always hold you near
We were heading for the ground
Didn't ever want any of it to change
All those happy thoughts
I never did give up
Always tried so hard until reality walked through my door
The lighting it grew thin
The flame it grew too dim
Do you want to change
The real person that you are today?

What do you do
When the things you once had
Aren't what they were anymore?
Remember the day
When you sat right here
And to be with you forever I swore

This is Dan signing off. Agape and shalom. =)

Hey all. Just felt like taking a break tonight, and to blog. Yeah, getting the blogging itch. Mainly to push down the emo-nemo Chinese post that is largely irrelevant now.

Yes, as the title suggests...this is gonna be a long cheesy post. Mainly dedicated to three other people. But then again, mainly just to one. Three people who really by all regards have no business hanging out with each other, but yet still do. Three people whom at this time last year, I never would have dreamed of forging such close bonds with.

At the back of my mind, I always had the realisation and the knowledge that the bonds were special, were not of the ordinary. I guess it never really dawned upon me how really unique our friendships really are, until the activity we had to do for CT. The task was simple - list the most memorable thing in NYJC to you.

I started out my response from the heart, and I ended up writing close to a page worth. The line that stood out the most was close to the end. "We have everything to gain and everything to lose...and if I succeed in conquering As, they will have had a huge part to play in it.". Simple words...but I meant every word of it. The four of us, we're a tight unit, each with our flaws and stupidity, but hey, the sum of the parts will never be greater than the whole.

The following is for a stupid dawg whom I've come to integrate as a large part of my life. Like the two of us have recounted many a time, we were strangers when we met for a fleeting moment two years ago, when yes, I absolutely pwned and won a stupid Oratorical competition. She re-entered my life in March this year, and as the saying goes, the rest is history.

I've come to appreciate the finer things in life, and as much as I hate to admit it, I figure I've learnt as much from her as she says she has from me. It's a mutual admiration society, as I'd like to call it. I don't think I ever said this before, but I seriously doubt that anyone has been able to trust me that much that fast. Hell, sometimes I think I don't trust myself that much as compared to her.

She said that if one day I were to go to her and ask that she trust me with her life, she would. I'm a dude that values trust highly, and to receive a pledge of that much trust, means alot. It really does. I don't think I could ever say the same thing to her, (stupidity not factored in). But by all regards, I don't intend to ever cash in and request that from her. Cos of my main guiding principle..."ask from others only what you can give to them in return.".

But hey kid. I guess you should know by now...that I'm not the kinda guy to say what I really feel all the time. Consider yourself honoured to be the first female specimen that's extracting the cheese-mode almost everyday. Do me a favour though, don't ever consider yourself a nuisance or a distraction..cos if need be, I'll make time for you. Always.

The truth of the matter is that you called our relationship weird. I think it's just miraculous. And I wanna see where life and God takes us next. Whatever it is, I don't really care, not now. All I'm bothered with is that we will have each other as pillars of strength (damn I've gotten myself a superbly short pillar). And we will walk down the road ahead hand in hand. Together.

Saranghae. Je'taime. Aishiteru. Ich liebe Dich. Ti amo. Eu te amo. Ik hou van jou. So many languages, one universal meaning. I love you.

And this part here is for another special person. You know who you are. As always, if you're questioning if this is meant for you, it probably isn't. Thank you, northern star. You've done your duty awesomely. Moving on was a long time ago decision. I just wish that really really, one day we can talk about what has transpired like the rational people we really are. I don't know how you feel, but hey, I'm always a message away. Always have been, always will be.

I shall end with a poem. Self constructed, a la BKC. This is dedicated to my lil dawg.

Love is a funny thing
It bends
It mends
It rends

Dare to love and dare to lose
Dare to dream and dare to believe
Dare to see the unseen
And hear the unheard

Thoughts unspoken
Words unsaid
I always thought I lost the will to love
Till I met you

Through the years
Many a love song's been written
None says it simply as this
"I'm shining like a candle in the dark
when you tell me that you love me"

When God made you
He must have been thinking about me

-shudders- CHEESE!

Ah love.
Sigh.

This is Daniel signing off, vowing not to entertain any nosey idiots.

"Love will keep us safe in catastrophic times"

我很不甘愿
我不服
原来一个答案能带来那么多感情

背叛
愤怒
担心

最重要，
失望。

也许我不应该问
也许我不应该听

对不起
我错了
我看错了

看错了自己在你心里的地位

也许我愤怒，是因为自己看错了。

也许我不该认为我是有地位的人。

算了。

我累了。

可是，我不会放弃
因为你是你，
而我是我。

我的手还存在，
不会松懈
不会拿走。

只会在哪，
到你想在看到为止。

Wow. Two posts in a month. Wonder who's that important.

Ah, forget it.

Hey all, welcome to Daniel's Domain! First of all the declaration that mid years are over and I'm damned well gonna enjoy the next few days before the results bring me back to earth. xD. I've been having a few random musings over the last few days. As usual, don't like what you see? There's a red button with a cross on it at the top right corner of the window.

Life is full of disappointment. At times it seems like life brings you up to consider the most lofty of scenarios and fills you with false positivity, only to bring you down to a shuddering halt with a taste of dirt that reminds you of how painfully human you are. Disappointments abound here and there, and is just yet another example of how life sucks the life outta you. Life and people in it are bound to disappoint at one point or another, so why bother getting to know them all that well, eh? Why bother putting yourself through meaningless emotions which no one can fully empathize with?

I believe the two worst feelings in life are regret, and guilt. Regret, in whatever form you deem fit. Regret at an acquaintance you never really bothered to make friends with. Regret at the things you did to a person who's only crime was loving you and not knowing how best to show it. Regret at not sticking up for an acquaintance who was unfairly targeted. Regret at not having the guts to do what should have been done ages ago. Regret at saying things that should not have ever been said. Regret. And guilt.

But with regret and guilt come disappointment. And in some cases, disappointment is that much more intense and striking. Mainly cos the subject is different. We humans feel regret and guilt for our actions and non-actions, but the subject of our disappointment is often the people around us.

Disappointments occur to everyone, directed similarly at everyone. They happen and strike the heart, causing different levels of hurt. They make you question your own beliefs, morals, question your own heart. Close friends who fall short of the standards you set for them prompt you to consider if you've been too hard and strict, if your beliefs are skewered, rose-tinted and in need of revision. Close friends whom you've fought to protect from themselves, their actions, non actions and more importantly yourself and fail to reciprocate, prompt you to consider if you're too giving, too kind, too generous.

I believe though, that ultimately, the answers to the above is the same. NO. At the end of the day, I set standards that I believe are fair. I only really have one requirement, that I don't ask anything which I myself cannot attain. I believe I'm disappointed with people close to me, and that's a good thing. Cos I wouldn't be disappointed with people I don't care about. I've mentioned this to a few people - everyone judges. I do, he does, she does, everyone does. We're not supposed to, but we still do. It's because we care that we judge, ultimately. We want the best for the people who mean the most, and we judge them according to a barometer instilled in us which states what is good and bad.

To a dear sister whom I owe this to. I'm disappointed in you for what I perceive to be your failure to maintain our friendship. Truth be told, two years ago I'd never have dreamed I'd feel this way. Or that way, xD. But the point remains that for a very long time now, I've felt I'm the one doing all the giving, and getting nothing in return. I never said anything earlier and before. Cos I felt obliged to protect you even though I've felt disappointed for the longest time now. Remember the promise I made? Brother...protector...friend? I wanted to fulfill the middle role to the best I could, even if the first role grew lesser and lesser in importance. Until I realised I shouldnt have been doing all this by myself. I mean, now I wanna do what's right for me. And what's right for me is to take a break, breathe and relax. You pull your weight, and I guess when I'm ready, I'll pull mine again. It doesnt mean you go out of your way though, cos I don't expect that. And I don't expect a sorry. Apologies are not necessary when forgiveness has already been granted. But hey, I still stand by another promise I made. "I'll be there when you call for help". Haven't said this in a while, but ultimately and definitely, I love you, dear sister.

Life makes fools outta us all. I thought I learnt a lesson last year, when I realised the hard way that appearances could be deceiving. I admit, I laughed a little when emotions clouded judgements, never thinking emotions would cloud mine. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I thought I had it all figured out, dealing with people of different stock for so long. But I realise, I was wrong. I realise I'm painfully human. But. It doesn't mean love changes, cos I always think love for friends is the strongest kind there is. Love means you accept that person wholly for who he/she is, flaws, disappointments et al. Like my pastor said last Sunday, we all have sinned. But that sin doesnt mean that God shuts the door and says, "You are no more my child". He doesn't have that in Him. There's no limit to His love. While there is possibly a limit to mine, I recognise I wanna follow and emulate that special brand of love, and try I will, therefore. Similarly, revelations and disappointments don't necessitate me to say "You're unworthy of being a friend", cos I believe it doesnt work that way.

At the end of the day, I reiterate a stand I've always had. The measure of a man is not by the things he does, but by the things he doesn't do. The measure of a friend is not the things he's disappointed by, but by the things he comes to accept. The measure of a brother is not the things he blows up at, but by the things he condones.

I leave today with a wonderful song that speaks from the heart. It's Anyway, by Martina McBride. Lyrics are found in the description of the vid on Youtube itself. I've got the song in my com, anyone wants it just has to ask. (NO, not that. Second level joke.)

Till the next time, Daniel is signing off.

Hey all. No flashy intro today, just wanna spew some emotions and issues plaguing me. Today has been a dark day for almost about everyone in the Western world. An original Charlie's Angel in Farrah Fawcett passed away early this morning Singapore time, after a long battle with cancer. Joining her today is the King of Pop, Michael Jackson.

Closer to home and closer to my heart, one of my close friend's father passed away a couple of days ago as well. All these deaths have struck home to me, and makes me think.

Life is but a dash between two dates. Which is why we like to say "live life to the fullest, cos you never know when it may end". True, but increasingly, ain't people more and more caught up in the rat race and the paper chase? I always say that the winner of the rat race is still a rat.

Idealistic me used to say that I do my best to go all out and leave an impression on the lives of the people that mean something to me, cos they deserve it. Cynical me now says I try my best to be a good guy, good listener and encourager cos I want to be remembered for it, should I leave this place in an untimely fashion.

Perhaps the fascination is rather morbid, but from time to time, I believe people entertain the idea of wanting to attend their own funeral. Me too. I always wonder, in my short 18 years and 6 months, whose lives I've touched and to whom have I been more than a passing figure to. I think I have a good idea of a few, but thinking and knowing are two different things.

At my funeral, who would cry? Who would give eulogies about my impact in their life? And what have I done to warrant those eulogies and tears? We don't practise this in Singapore, but who among my friends would want to be my pall bearer? Who would lead the present in singing a rendition of "Amazing Grace"?

Perhaps the last few days has reimpressed the notion of cherishing your loved ones. Love them, and let them know you love them, lest they forget or think you take em for granted. I know, I dearly feel this way towards a once close friend. Ain't the nicest thing in the world to have hanging over your head.

All in all, love him or hate him, MJ was an icon to a generation. That deserves to be remembered. With luck and God's grace, our grandchildren's children will grow up knowing his name, his music and his thrilla dance moves. Mr. Jackson, butt of jokes aside, you will be missed.

But then again...what about me?

This is Daniel signing off, with the verse I had the honour of picking for my grandmother's epitaph.

"For I've fought the good fight
Run the good race
And kept the faith"

~ 2 Timothy 4:7