I've found a friend who died for me

Rant. Again. Don't like, don't read. Intro over. Post dedicated to a person whose name starts with the letter D.

I give up, I admit defeat, I don't wanna hold on any longer than I am now. Forget it, there's no point in trying if YOU don't reciprocate. I'm tired and I no longer want to be this willing fool, this ever-present spare tire, this TOOL that you turn to only when you need to. Finally, at the end of my patience, finally I've arrived at this fork, this juncture in the road where I say, I need a break and I need a pitstop.

There were a whole list of questions I asked myself over the last few days, and now I present the conclusions. I don't care anymore, cos right now, as of now, I see the futility of my existence in your life, the secondary role I play. I spelt it out prominently, everywhere you could find, even let you stumble upon it unwittingly and subconsciously. I guess it meant too little to you to put it that much more effort to care and find out, eh? Considering the ways and things I did to let you almost know, it wouldnt have taken too long, or too hard. Which just goes to show how sincere you were, all the times you said "this means so much to me", "oh wow, you're so good to me". Now, a simple litmus test has proven this to be all lies, outright lies, lies spoken out of convenience to placate an ego.

Did I ask for too much? All I asked for was a reply, a simple written or verbal reply, telling me that it genuinely means alot to you. I didn't ask you for a gift, a token, NOTHING. NOTHING, except your word. At the end of the day, that's all I needed, that was the shot in the arm, the motivation that I needed to maintain and carry on and walk on.

I got nothing. At this point, I don't wanna try anymore. I'm sick and tired of all this shit. No more, enough is enough. I've arrived at my breaking point. This is the point where I say, there's no point in carrying on, no point in trying so hard, getting so far, when in the end, it doesnt even matter to you.

If I'm this inconsequential, stop telling me that you care, that we're "sisters forever", cos it's a load of bullshit to me. So do me a favour, and don't stumble upon my blog one fine day and realise you've fucked up bad, and act all guilty and stuff in front of me. Cos, I don't care no more. When I did, you did nothing, so when you do, I'm doing nothing either. I'm going to take a leaf out of your book, not be bothered about you, and when you ask why, I'm just going to say that what goes around, comes around. Karma has finally bitten you in the ass.

Treat it as if I'm pleading with you, on behalf of the next person that takes my place as a self-sacrificing MORON that tries to help you with your life. Don't treat that person like shit, don't treat him like a bastard unworthy of your time, don't prioritise your friendship with that person too lowly, don't say things that you think will appeal to his/her ego. Cos when the person realises it's all empty words and hollow words with zero sincerity, said just for the sake of saying, chances are the person will just stop caring, stop bothering, stop taking the effort to shower unrequited concern.

You know why you keep claiming you're alone? Why you feel like there's no one there for you, that you've got no genuine friends, that you don't know if the people around you are fair-weather friends? Cos to those that bother to show care and concern, you take for granted, you take as there no matter what, you take as something which you prioritise quite lowly cos you think since the person is there, and claims to always be there, he/she will be, and you just don't have to try that hard no more.

At this point, after all the people that I turned to told me that it's alright to be selfish, that after every bad time, comes an even longer and sweeter good time, I make this declaration. At this point, after agonising, tossing and turning in bed thinking of what to do and why, I make this declaration. At this point, through the disappointment, disillusionment, and sorrow that I feel, through the tears that start to well in my eyes at this point as I'm typing this, through the wrenches of my heart, which tells me to hold on even longer, to endure more, I make this declaration.

This is the first time in 17 years, that I will ignore my heart totally, despite its pleas, to choose and make the conscious choice to stop caring so much. I know I'll ultimately still care, so I'll go on mental exile for now. I know there's something which will call for my involvement, my helping of you once again. And as a last favour, I'll make sure someone is there to take my place, to fill the void which I'll create. So, this is where I say in black and white, that after all has died down, I'll fade into the background.

Cos ultimately, that's where I belong in your life anyway, right?

EDIT

Alright. I'm in much clearer mood now. I have to admit that when I did post that, I was feeling bitter and disappointed and all that, but that doesnt mean I don't stand by what I said. But I'll back down a little, definitely. All I've got to say, is that I'm not gonna suddenly drop a bomb and tell you I don't intend to be part of your life anymore, but I'll slowly fade out. To be fair, I did everything except tell you flat out that I wanted a reply, and I got nothing. So don't blame me for my seemingly abrupt decision to walk away. If anything, I'm not, cos I'll do my part and help to tie up loose ends which I promised I would, before I walk away. I personally don't believe in "never" when it comes to friendships and the like, so all I ask for now, is for some time out for myself, cos I need a break and I need to breathe. I've never tried so hard and failed before, so well, I need to reflect on certain stuff too. Don't worry, cos if you need me, I'm still a phone call away. Sigh, the wonders of technology.

Alright. So it's been an eventful week. Short one, but eventful. A few thoughts to round up the week.

I dunno how to say this. But for the first time in a long while, I'm afraid. I really am. Maybe the experience I had with Alicia last year affected me more than I realised. I must say I've been ignoring the whispers and the indirect/direct comments, but there's only so much I can do. Maybe it's the fact that a heated confrontation spelled out the very idea I've been dreading to see in a serious light. Funny how when an idea is impressed upon you, it kinda hooks you and you go along with it.

See, for the uninitiated, Alicia-Daniel is this long running saga that spanned almost two years. It was this period of time in which yours truly did truly shitty things to a girl that didnt do anything to deserve it except that she liked me, and was gutsy enough to keep showing and spelling it out. I remember like it was yesterday, the bastardy stuff I did to "get her off my back", each time glorifying my escape routes with reasons like "I don't deserve this" and "She deserves a guy who can love her in the same way that she loves him". Yes, yes. Noble intentions, but in retrospect, I recognise those were just convenient excuses, for me to get out of something I didn't wanna get into. And in doing that, I almost ruined what was a pretty cool friendship beforehand.

Well, the repurcussions of the repressed guilt of all the things I did, still kinda haunts me today. Call it karma, call it payback, I just think I deserve the repurcussions nonetheless. Hence, when faced with what could be very similar scenarios in what could be the very near future, I'm afraid and I'm stuck. Afraid that I could make the same mistakes like I did last year. Afraid that I might go one step further and really ruin a friendship. Afraid that even before the actual soap opera starts, I've already done things that will affect the pre-existing friendship. Afraid that this subconscious guilt and unwillingness to walk down that same road and make the same mistakes, will result in me saying and doing things that well, accelerate me down that path.

And this time, what scares me even more, is that unlike last year, unlike the last two years, I don't have the benefit of people whom I can rely on to point me in the right direction. Last year, I could always count on people to bitchslap me into the right choice, could always run ideas by people who wouldnt hesitate to shoot them down and tell me "Dude, that's a sucky idea.". This time around, I have people who only have known me for a few months, most of whom still only know me on a surface level, most of whom I've yet to make genuine connections with. So in essence, I have a high chance of screwing up more badly than I did last year. I can't say that notion comforts me. I don't know who to turn to and who to run ideas by this time around...so for the first time in a long while, I need to put a plea out there, for if you're reading this and you wanna help me, please do. I need someone to save me and a good friendship, from myself.

It's at moments like this, at crossroads like this, that I wish I had cherished the people that were around me the last 4 years. Right now, the best that I can hope for, is that all this has been a fragment of my imagination, and there's nothing more than meets the eye, as originally intended.

But no matter what, for now, I shall repeat this refrain. Cannot make same mistakes, must not make same mistakes, should not make same mistakes.

And I need kind souls to step forward, and be on hand to absorb all the shit that I'm fond of doing when put in these situations. For while I keep being this nice guy who helps people and points people in what I perceive to be the right direction, it's painfully ironic that I can't help myself all that much. For so long, I've been helping, encouraging, and being there for others out of free will, but who's gonna help me now that I'm the one that needs the help and encouragement and moral support? I try to help so many people, but who's gonna try to help me?

This is Dan, signing off.