Thinking deeper
Hey all. First up a good news. My grandmother was discharged from hospital yesterday. Thanks for everyone around me who helped make it easier for me. Like my MSN nick said, I love the people who bothered so much about me they cared to ask "What's wrong?"
Ever since that unpleasant experience just a week ago, I realised that my views of life have changed somewhat. Nearly seeing my grandma pass away before my eyes made me realise how stupid some of the things I've been doing are. When a week ago I might have exacted revenge for wrongs done to me, I now find that it's just meaningless. You can say that the experience changed the way I view things. I'll be the first to admit that I'm one who thinks deeper into issues, but the experience made me gain an even more introspective view of life. Compared to the biggest issues in life, like death and pain and suffering, minor petty stuff are so meaningless. In Ecclesiastes, the writer often writes about how life under the sun is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. And really, as pessimistic as it sounds, there is really sound reasoning behind it. One of these days, I may just blog about that altogether.
For now, I just wanna talk and blog about the Area Games Day we had today, but I don't think I'll be giving a play-by-play of the entire day. Undoubtedly, it was full of highs and lows. Undoubtedly, we'll take back many memories. But again, I wanna draw attention to the importance of the message behind two consecutive overall victories.
In Stephen Covey's bestseller, The Seven Habits For Highly Successful People, he writes about how we should have the end in mind when we begin. God works in many ways, and sometimes, the ways in which He signifies the start and end of events are remarkably and magnificently poetic. Like today. A year ago, we won the overall title, which was the first thing we did as the NCO Batch. We led our juniors and the entire unit to the title. Today, at what can only be seen as the last thing we do as the NCO Batch, is to co-lead the unit to the overall title, together with the new batch.
What does that imply? It simply means that we've come full circle. Some call it destiny, I call it a wonderful ending, that's too good to be true. I remember last year, when we had equal highs and lows as we won the title, I privately wished that I could have the same feeling this year. And I did. Coming full circle, to me, was not just about ending and starting at the same time. In a year, I've learnt many things, and I've grown to love my squad. If coming full circle just means ending and starting at the same point, we've missed the point altogether. What's the point of a journey, if we have not enjoyed the journey we're on? My point is that if we just take the two titles as two singular acheivements, we'll forget about them as time goes by. But what time can never erode, is our memories of how we acheived these two titles.
Through sweat and tears. Through highs and lows. Through indignant anger and sense of pride. Those are what I take from the two titles. People tend to rush through life. That's why life sucks to them. We're so intent on acheiving our goals, that we forget about taking into account how we acheived those results.
For me, the journey in this past year, has been like no other. I had the chance to walk this journey with my friends. That's more than I could wish for. A journey well travelled, is a journey with friends. I'm glad I got to share this euphoria and joy with my squadmates. I wouldnt exchange anything, for the experiences we shared in the past year. That's why these two titles will hold special regard in my mind. Not cos we won, but cos of the people I won it with and the manner in which we won it.
For me, coming full circle told me that God had finally placed a full stop at the end of this phase of my life. He has blessed me so much that I got to enjoy so many great memories. This full stop, signifies the end of NPCC for me. Heartbreaking it may be, but to me, I'd rather not feel heartbroken and sad about this end.
Why not? Cos life's all about choices. The choices we make. I choose not to feel too downcast at the end of the road in NPCC. Rather, I choose to feel contented. Contented at the way things turned out in four years. Contented about how much we've grown, as individuals and as friends. Contented about how this 4 letters would mean in my life. Contented by the memories I have. Contented, for the people I got to share them with.
Not a day goes by, when I don't thank God for letting me be a part of this squad, for letting me enter the lives of others in what I can only hope is the same special way that they've entered mine. Four years ago, none of us could have predicted how things would pan out. Ultimately, it's not this end that I have in mind. The end of a journey, is but the start of another. I've cherished the times we spent together as a squad. It's the end of our respective journies in NP, but may it be the start of our journies as friends. Our time as a squad may have ended, but our time as friends have not!
Ultimately, it all boils down to this. I'm happy that NP has ended in this way for me. I'm happy about the last four wondrous years.
We've spent 4 years together, with 3 different levels of juniors and 2 different levels of NP life. What remains, is 1 squad.
I'm ready to embark on the next journey, the one we walk together as friends. Who's willing to join me?
Family emergency
Hey all.
Originally wanted to seize the last few moments of 07/07/07 to blog about my four glorious years in NPCC. A last minute emergency, however, has caused me to temporarily shelve that aside.
My father and I went out for dinner together, cos my mum was at a friend's place. As we ordered the food, I was hoping we'd get done asap cos I wanted to watch Live Earth. However, we soon got a call from my grandma's maid, saying grandma kept vomiting and was in pain. We rushed through dinner and went to her place.
There, as we entered the flat, I could hear my grandma crying out in pain. I entered her room and there she was, lying on the bed, not having the energy to even roll around in pain. All she could do was to cry out and ask the pain to stop, ask someone to make it stop. She cried out that she was dying, and that she wanted her Father God to save her from the pain.
What could I do? Nothing, except sit there like a useless piece of shit and hear her cries of pain, feeling her pain in my body as well. Also knowing that the pain she was feeling translated into many times than I could imagine. Sitting there in the brown chair in her bedroom, I could do nothing. The more she cried out and the more she vomited phlegm, the more sick to the stomach I got, willing the ambulance to arrive faster.
I've never felt so useless and helpless in my life. I wished I could take away her pain. I wished I could be the one in pain, instead of her. I closed my eyes, hoping it would minimize the cries of pain. As I closed my eyes, her cries seemed to amplify and reveberate ever louder than before. And I could do nothing.
Nobody can tell me they know how I felt at that time, unless they've been through the same thing.
Nobody can tell me how I felt when I stayed at home alone, waiting for word from the hospital.
Nobody can tell me how I felt when anger and confusion burned through me, realising it had been 3hours before the hospital would ward my grandma.
Nobody can tell me how long it felt, those moments in her room, her cries of pain flooding my ears and my mind.
Nobody can tell me how I felt when I heard that the doctors could not give her any medication or operate on her, cos she was too weak.
Nobody can tell me how I felt when I heard that all the docs could do was to make her as comfortable as possible, for the time being.
Nobody can tell me how I will feel if that is to be my last image of her in her home, crying out in pain.
I keep telling people around me not to think too negatively. Perhaps it's time for me to take my own advice. I'll be strong, hoping my grandma will feel the strength in me. I'll be faithful, hoping God will take away her pain. And no matter what, I'll still praise God.
I'm sorry if the old Daniel isn't around mentally for the next few days.
I'll be back soon. I promise.
The post about NP will come soon. I promise.
One request for now. Keep my grandma in your thoughts and prayers, my faithful readers. That's what I'd like you people to do for me. Thanks.
Dan is signing off now.
