I've found a friend who died for me

Hey all, welcome to Daniel's Domain! First of all the declaration that mid years are over and I'm damned well gonna enjoy the next few days before the results bring me back to earth. xD. I've been having a few random musings over the last few days. As usual, don't like what you see? There's a red button with a cross on it at the top right corner of the window.

Life is full of disappointment. At times it seems like life brings you up to consider the most lofty of scenarios and fills you with false positivity, only to bring you down to a shuddering halt with a taste of dirt that reminds you of how painfully human you are. Disappointments abound here and there, and is just yet another example of how life sucks the life outta you. Life and people in it are bound to disappoint at one point or another, so why bother getting to know them all that well, eh? Why bother putting yourself through meaningless emotions which no one can fully empathize with?

I believe the two worst feelings in life are regret, and guilt. Regret, in whatever form you deem fit. Regret at an acquaintance you never really bothered to make friends with. Regret at the things you did to a person who's only crime was loving you and not knowing how best to show it. Regret at not sticking up for an acquaintance who was unfairly targeted. Regret at not having the guts to do what should have been done ages ago. Regret at saying things that should not have ever been said. Regret. And guilt.

But with regret and guilt come disappointment. And in some cases, disappointment is that much more intense and striking. Mainly cos the subject is different. We humans feel regret and guilt for our actions and non-actions, but the subject of our disappointment is often the people around us.

Disappointments occur to everyone, directed similarly at everyone. They happen and strike the heart, causing different levels of hurt. They make you question your own beliefs, morals, question your own heart. Close friends who fall short of the standards you set for them prompt you to consider if you've been too hard and strict, if your beliefs are skewered, rose-tinted and in need of revision. Close friends whom you've fought to protect from themselves, their actions, non actions and more importantly yourself and fail to reciprocate, prompt you to consider if you're too giving, too kind, too generous.

I believe though, that ultimately, the answers to the above is the same. NO. At the end of the day, I set standards that I believe are fair. I only really have one requirement, that I don't ask anything which I myself cannot attain. I believe I'm disappointed with people close to me, and that's a good thing. Cos I wouldn't be disappointed with people I don't care about. I've mentioned this to a few people - everyone judges. I do, he does, she does, everyone does. We're not supposed to, but we still do. It's because we care that we judge, ultimately. We want the best for the people who mean the most, and we judge them according to a barometer instilled in us which states what is good and bad.

To a dear sister whom I owe this to. I'm disappointed in you for what I perceive to be your failure to maintain our friendship. Truth be told, two years ago I'd never have dreamed I'd feel this way. Or that way, xD. But the point remains that for a very long time now, I've felt I'm the one doing all the giving, and getting nothing in return. I never said anything earlier and before. Cos I felt obliged to protect you even though I've felt disappointed for the longest time now. Remember the promise I made? Brother...protector...friend? I wanted to fulfill the middle role to the best I could, even if the first role grew lesser and lesser in importance. Until I realised I shouldnt have been doing all this by myself. I mean, now I wanna do what's right for me. And what's right for me is to take a break, breathe and relax. You pull your weight, and I guess when I'm ready, I'll pull mine again. It doesnt mean you go out of your way though, cos I don't expect that. And I don't expect a sorry. Apologies are not necessary when forgiveness has already been granted. But hey, I still stand by another promise I made. "I'll be there when you call for help". Haven't said this in a while, but ultimately and definitely, I love you, dear sister.

Life makes fools outta us all. I thought I learnt a lesson last year, when I realised the hard way that appearances could be deceiving. I admit, I laughed a little when emotions clouded judgements, never thinking emotions would cloud mine. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I thought I had it all figured out, dealing with people of different stock for so long. But I realise, I was wrong. I realise I'm painfully human. But. It doesn't mean love changes, cos I always think love for friends is the strongest kind there is. Love means you accept that person wholly for who he/she is, flaws, disappointments et al. Like my pastor said last Sunday, we all have sinned. But that sin doesnt mean that God shuts the door and says, "You are no more my child". He doesn't have that in Him. There's no limit to His love. While there is possibly a limit to mine, I recognise I wanna follow and emulate that special brand of love, and try I will, therefore. Similarly, revelations and disappointments don't necessitate me to say "You're unworthy of being a friend", cos I believe it doesnt work that way.

At the end of the day, I reiterate a stand I've always had. The measure of a man is not by the things he does, but by the things he doesn't do. The measure of a friend is not the things he's disappointed by, but by the things he comes to accept. The measure of a brother is not the things he blows up at, but by the things he condones.

I leave today with a wonderful song that speaks from the heart. It's Anyway, by Martina McBride. Lyrics are found in the description of the vid on Youtube itself. I've got the song in my com, anyone wants it just has to ask. (NO, not that. Second level joke.)

Till the next time, Daniel is signing off.