I've found a friend who died for me

I once said before, when I didn't care anymore, it's the time to worry.

I once said before, not caring would take a lot to me, cos it means I'm tired and I can't go on.

For in every man, there is a limit. And pardon the ego, but I think most who know me realise that my limit is higher than average.

I've reached the limit now. And in reaching that limit, I've reached the end of the road with you.

What I have now, are some burning questions which I always thought I knew the answer, but I realise that I don't anymore. And not knowing the answers which I thought I did, scares me. Alot.

Don't expect me to reply you, unless you can provide me with the answers to the questions once again.

Was our friendship as strong as we thought it was?
Was the promise we made to maintain our friendship as best we could, an empty one?
Why am I seemingly expected to drop everything when you need me?
How come the reverse is not true for you?
Why do we pretend all is right and okay with us when we know it damned well isn't?
Is our friendship unable to withstand that trial?

You wanna grow up...here's a chance given to you on a silver platter. Think about all that, and not just from your point of view. Here's a novel idea...think of what it's like to be ME. And maybe you actually will grow up.

BTW, if you think I'm referring to you, I probably am. Apart from LWY, who will anyhow jump to conclusions.

The countdown starts to the 9th of Feb. I know what I want the most for my birthday, and it's not material.

"one day you'll need me no more"

Whether you know it or not, to me, that one day has already come and gone.

I'm tired and I don't care.

And I make a plea for those uninvolved to please, please, leave your nose outta it.

Daniel.

Tell me
Scold me
Hate me
Don't ignore me

Promises made
Promises broken
I swear I never meant to
Did you?

I'm hurting
I'm aching
I'm struggling
I'm feeling

Vulnerability
Anxiety
Hopelessness
Turmoil
All of the above

Words spoken
In anger and confusion
I'm sorry
Are you?

Everything in a whirl
Questions abound
Where next?
What next?

Tis true
Packing bags n' walking away
Spoken in spite
Never intended

Brother I can be
Protector without a doubt
Listener, of course
But please, not a tool

I sing
I dream
I love
Anyway

sigh.

Alright, a few years ago, I had this post on my version of the New Year Honours given out by the Queen every year. I just decided that I should revive that tradition, and take the time to poke fun yet again at people I know. So without further ado, here goes.

The Aristotle Award for Deepest Philosopher -- Zen (Was there any doubt about this? He says he doesn't wanna come across as philosophical, but who are we kidding?)

Best Mentor -- Sam Chia (Well, I don't think she reads this, but ah well, no other real challengers)

The Gossip Girl Award for Best Clique -- MJK! (Always guaranteed a laugh and a good time)

Best person to tease -- Right, this could have gone to anyone I've met, since well, that's what I do, but this award goes ultimately to the very handsome, very dashing, Daniel Keng. Yeah, that's right, I gave myself an award. So sue me.

The Couch Potato Award for Best Reality TV Fellow Junkie -- KarL

Quote of the Year -- Alicia WHEE ("OMG. Fucker of the universe!" It's one quote which will go down in history as one of the funniest lines.)

Cutest Guy With The Most Dubious-sounding Concocted Name - Dylan Er Wei Shen

The Life-Makes-Fools-Outta-Us-All Award for Best Unlikable turned Likable -- Alicia WHEE.

Best Brother - Larribird

Most meaningful, un-cliche MSN convos -- Zen

The Britney Hilton Award for Stupidest 9-Pointer Alive -- Jasmine Koh (Oh damn, I hope someone googles her name)

Nicest guy -- Chua Yida (Let's sing it together, all together now, "All he wants for Christmas is his hair...")

Fiercest-looking nice guy -- Mr Loo Zhen Hao

Best Sister -- Uh. Shit. I may have backed myself into a hole for this one. I say, it's a TIE. ALL of WG deserve this.

The Elmo Award for People Who Are Afraid of Harmless Things Like Elmo -- LHS (ahem greenranger ahem)

Best Bunny -- Ryna Lim (Oh shit I'm gonna get screwed for this.)

Best Bitching Partner -- Farah Ismail

Most Confused Person -- Jasmine Koh

The "A Friend In Need Is A Friend Indeed" Award -- Edna Pang (Fiasco, word of the year.)

The Bellatrix Lestrange Award for Most Irritable Bitch -- Goes without saying.

The Constant Latecomer -- I'm tempted to give this to every girl I meet, but this undoubtedly goes to Miss Stacy.

The Easiest To Irritate Award -- Miss Gan.

The Keynesian Award for Most Economical Person -- Gan Pin Hui

The Dirt! Award for Best Bitching Target -- Two-way tie between a Father, and a Bitch.

Alright, to those who won, great. To those who missed out, close, but no cake. Other than that, bitch away about these results all ya like, I'm just gonna watch the fallout.

This is Dan, signing off.

I'm back! This will be a post in conjuction with Christmas, the New Year and also, my 100th post here!

Christmas is upon us. And yes, this will be a post of yuletide wishes to the people that have made a huge impact in my life over the last year or so. It's also an end of year reflection piece, cos this is likely to be my last post here for the year.Well, It's my 100th post on blogspot. I've taken five years to reach the three digit mark. Yeah I know, that's a blog's lifetime to other people, but I'm sorry if I don't update everyday, well cos I just don't see the need to.

But I look back, and I see my first post here, where i toked lik tt, n typed in italics, n pretty much juz introed myself. It was a post that lasted just three sentences, and I remember thinking how weird it was, and I didn't know what I wanted to say. Now look where I am, ranting and launching verbal diatribes just to get loads of my chest.

When I was 13, all I thought of was how to not hand in my Chinese work and get away with it, which provided superbly good anecdotes which I still tell from time to time today. When I was 13, all I thought of was how to get up from that friendship gone awry towards the end of P6.

The story is, that well, I crushed this girl. And this guy, whom I've always had reservations about up till then, came up to me one day to basically gossip, which ended in him telling me he liked her too. Suddenly all the reservations went outta the window and he became my "best friend". A coupla days before PSLE, this dude tells me he was faking all along, and was just playing to see my reaction, which he said he'd broadcast to the whole of the class.Looking back and retelling the tale, I just think, man, I was a stupid kid. I thought he really did deliver on the threat.

But I was TWELVE. Some people think Santa's real at age 12. No excuses, but I was just that kid who trusted the other kid too quickly and too unreservedly. This "betrayal" cut deep at that time. The whole issue of trust became well, an issue. Suddenly, it was too hard for me to trust people, and I was effectively left alone to pick myself up from that "betrayal".

At age 17 I feel comfortable putting inverted commas on the term betrayal, just cos this was just in effect, a childish prank designed to screw with your brain. At age 12, I certainly didnt think that. But what's certain is that I did have to learn how to trust, where previously, trust was never an issue. I guess I sorta grew up and realised, while I can trust some people most of the time, and most people some of the time, I can't trust everyone all of the time.

But this is where the peeps in Nanchiau saved me, who told me in their way, you don't have to say you care, to really care about someone. They taught me that even though people like hearing others say that they care about them, usually, it's those who really do that don't make a sound.

Along the way, 100 posts have left memories, memories of angry Mr. Potato Head rants, Bitch Files (which were recently revived circa 2008), posts which were more philosophical than practical, more idealistic than realistic.

But I realise, at 17, I'm more or less at the same crossroads as compared to when I was 13. I've gotta deal with hurts that I've only got myself to blame for, gotta pick myself up from falls caused by people closest to me, even though they're probably oblivious to the shit that has been stirred.

I've gotta deal with "betrayals", in opposite senses of the term, even though 4 years from now, I'll look back and me now and think, man, I was a stupid kid. I've gotta deal with coming to terms with the reality that stuff which has happened to me, were just designed to screw with my brain. And this is where my own usual advice to others come in, where I say, what doesn't break me will make me stronger. But that's philosophical at this point.

Which is why I once again turn to the people who hail from the place where I picked myself up 4 years ago.

To the people who know me best, you know that I'm this guy who likes to insult people, but also that I'm this guy that gives you a 100% whenever you call for it, should you need it. Ultimately, at the end of the day, I believe that my friends, the people who I find are worthy to be called friends, and for me to mean it, will save me once again.

So, as tis the season to be jolly, I say it's time to be thankful for those that matter. I'm not gonna name all of you by name, cos it'll take too long, cos I know I've got alot of people to be thankful for. And yes, in a weird way, that includes YOU. To all that matter, it's a huge thank you from me, for the memories, and the many more that are to come. I'll hope that 4 years from now, I really am able to look back and marvel once again, at how life has changed for me.