I GIVE UP
Rant. Again. Don't like, don't read. Intro over. Post dedicated to a person whose name starts with the letter D.
I give up, I admit defeat, I don't wanna hold on any longer than I am now. Forget it, there's no point in trying if YOU don't reciprocate. I'm tired and I no longer want to be this willing fool, this ever-present spare tire, this TOOL that you turn to only when you need to. Finally, at the end of my patience, finally I've arrived at this fork, this juncture in the road where I say, I need a break and I need a pitstop.
There were a whole list of questions I asked myself over the last few days, and now I present the conclusions. I don't care anymore, cos right now, as of now, I see the futility of my existence in your life, the secondary role I play. I spelt it out prominently, everywhere you could find, even let you stumble upon it unwittingly and subconsciously. I guess it meant too little to you to put it that much more effort to care and find out, eh? Considering the ways and things I did to let you almost know, it wouldnt have taken too long, or too hard. Which just goes to show how sincere you were, all the times you said "this means so much to me", "oh wow, you're so good to me". Now, a simple litmus test has proven this to be all lies, outright lies, lies spoken out of convenience to placate an ego.
Did I ask for too much? All I asked for was a reply, a simple written or verbal reply, telling me that it genuinely means alot to you. I didn't ask you for a gift, a token, NOTHING. NOTHING, except your word. At the end of the day, that's all I needed, that was the shot in the arm, the motivation that I needed to maintain and carry on and walk on.
I got nothing. At this point, I don't wanna try anymore. I'm sick and tired of all this shit. No more, enough is enough. I've arrived at my breaking point. This is the point where I say, there's no point in carrying on, no point in trying so hard, getting so far, when in the end, it doesnt even matter to you.
If I'm this inconsequential, stop telling me that you care, that we're "sisters forever", cos it's a load of bullshit to me. So do me a favour, and don't stumble upon my blog one fine day and realise you've fucked up bad, and act all guilty and stuff in front of me. Cos, I don't care no more. When I did, you did nothing, so when you do, I'm doing nothing either. I'm going to take a leaf out of your book, not be bothered about you, and when you ask why, I'm just going to say that what goes around, comes around. Karma has finally bitten you in the ass.
Treat it as if I'm pleading with you, on behalf of the next person that takes my place as a self-sacrificing MORON that tries to help you with your life. Don't treat that person like shit, don't treat him like a bastard unworthy of your time, don't prioritise your friendship with that person too lowly, don't say things that you think will appeal to his/her ego. Cos when the person realises it's all empty words and hollow words with zero sincerity, said just for the sake of saying, chances are the person will just stop caring, stop bothering, stop taking the effort to shower unrequited concern.
You know why you keep claiming you're alone? Why you feel like there's no one there for you, that you've got no genuine friends, that you don't know if the people around you are fair-weather friends? Cos to those that bother to show care and concern, you take for granted, you take as there no matter what, you take as something which you prioritise quite lowly cos you think since the person is there, and claims to always be there, he/she will be, and you just don't have to try that hard no more.
At this point, after all the people that I turned to told me that it's alright to be selfish, that after every bad time, comes an even longer and sweeter good time, I make this declaration. At this point, after agonising, tossing and turning in bed thinking of what to do and why, I make this declaration. At this point, through the disappointment, disillusionment, and sorrow that I feel, through the tears that start to well in my eyes at this point as I'm typing this, through the wrenches of my heart, which tells me to hold on even longer, to endure more, I make this declaration.
This is the first time in 17 years, that I will ignore my heart totally, despite its pleas, to choose and make the conscious choice to stop caring so much. I know I'll ultimately still care, so I'll go on mental exile for now. I know there's something which will call for my involvement, my helping of you once again. And as a last favour, I'll make sure someone is there to take my place, to fill the void which I'll create. So, this is where I say in black and white, that after all has died down, I'll fade into the background.
Cos ultimately, that's where I belong in your life anyway, right?
EDIT
Alright. I'm in much clearer mood now. I have to admit that when I did post that, I was feeling bitter and disappointed and all that, but that doesnt mean I don't stand by what I said. But I'll back down a little, definitely. All I've got to say, is that I'm not gonna suddenly drop a bomb and tell you I don't intend to be part of your life anymore, but I'll slowly fade out. To be fair, I did everything except tell you flat out that I wanted a reply, and I got nothing. So don't blame me for my seemingly abrupt decision to walk away. If anything, I'm not, cos I'll do my part and help to tie up loose ends which I promised I would, before I walk away. I personally don't believe in "never" when it comes to friendships and the like, so all I ask for now, is for some time out for myself, cos I need a break and I need to breathe. I've never tried so hard and failed before, so well, I need to reflect on certain stuff too. Don't worry, cos if you need me, I'm still a phone call away. Sigh, the wonders of technology.
