End of a week
Alright. So it's been an eventful week. Short one, but eventful. A few thoughts to round up the week.
I dunno how to say this. But for the first time in a long while, I'm afraid. I really am. Maybe the experience I had with Alicia last year affected me more than I realised. I must say I've been ignoring the whispers and the indirect/direct comments, but there's only so much I can do. Maybe it's the fact that a heated confrontation spelled out the very idea I've been dreading to see in a serious light. Funny how when an idea is impressed upon you, it kinda hooks you and you go along with it.
See, for the uninitiated, Alicia-Daniel is this long running saga that spanned almost two years. It was this period of time in which yours truly did truly shitty things to a girl that didnt do anything to deserve it except that she liked me, and was gutsy enough to keep showing and spelling it out. I remember like it was yesterday, the bastardy stuff I did to "get her off my back", each time glorifying my escape routes with reasons like "I don't deserve this" and "She deserves a guy who can love her in the same way that she loves him". Yes, yes. Noble intentions, but in retrospect, I recognise those were just convenient excuses, for me to get out of something I didn't wanna get into. And in doing that, I almost ruined what was a pretty cool friendship beforehand.
Well, the repurcussions of the repressed guilt of all the things I did, still kinda haunts me today. Call it karma, call it payback, I just think I deserve the repurcussions nonetheless. Hence, when faced with what could be very similar scenarios in what could be the very near future, I'm afraid and I'm stuck. Afraid that I could make the same mistakes like I did last year. Afraid that I might go one step further and really ruin a friendship. Afraid that even before the actual soap opera starts, I've already done things that will affect the pre-existing friendship. Afraid that this subconscious guilt and unwillingness to walk down that same road and make the same mistakes, will result in me saying and doing things that well, accelerate me down that path.
And this time, what scares me even more, is that unlike last year, unlike the last two years, I don't have the benefit of people whom I can rely on to point me in the right direction. Last year, I could always count on people to bitchslap me into the right choice, could always run ideas by people who wouldnt hesitate to shoot them down and tell me "Dude, that's a sucky idea.". This time around, I have people who only have known me for a few months, most of whom still only know me on a surface level, most of whom I've yet to make genuine connections with. So in essence, I have a high chance of screwing up more badly than I did last year. I can't say that notion comforts me. I don't know who to turn to and who to run ideas by this time around...so for the first time in a long while, I need to put a plea out there, for if you're reading this and you wanna help me, please do. I need someone to save me and a good friendship, from myself.
It's at moments like this, at crossroads like this, that I wish I had cherished the people that were around me the last 4 years. Right now, the best that I can hope for, is that all this has been a fragment of my imagination, and there's nothing more than meets the eye, as originally intended.
But no matter what, for now, I shall repeat this refrain. Cannot make same mistakes, must not make same mistakes, should not make same mistakes.
And I need kind souls to step forward, and be on hand to absorb all the shit that I'm fond of doing when put in these situations. For while I keep being this nice guy who helps people and points people in what I perceive to be the right direction, it's painfully ironic that I can't help myself all that much. For so long, I've been helping, encouraging, and being there for others out of free will, but who's gonna help me now that I'm the one that needs the help and encouragement and moral support? I try to help so many people, but who's gonna try to help me?
This is Dan, signing off.
