In retrospect
Last night, or early this morning, having a chat with Alicia once again opened my eyes. We shared our private blogs, and well. I must say that once again, I'm blown away.
Reading back on her posts about what happened last year, they really struck a chord with me now. Yeah, a year too late, but oh well. I guess I always thought she was immature and didn't really understand what love or like was. Turns out, I was the fool that didnt. Looking back at the depth of her emotions, how my actions to push her away led to so much negative emotions, I'm forced to face up to the reality that my actions really did cause such consequences. I guess I thought I knew how she felt, but again, I'm the fool.
I know now, almost a year to the day where Round Two started, that the apologies which were given to her before, didnt really mean anything. It didnt mean anything, precisely cos I didn't know, or stop to consider the depth of the injuries inflicted. And suddenly, I'm confronted with the evilness and despicablility of my actions. If I didnt know it already, what I did was too much, too extreme, to be done to her. She didnt deserve it, and now looking back, I don't know how it's possible that the girl didnt come up to me and give me a tight slap.
But if there's one thing good, it's that her dedication, her depth of feeling, has renewed once again my faith in love. I don't doubt for one minute, that she really did like me, that she really did love me, cos if she hadnt, well, she wouldnt have been bothered to care that much about me. She was right last night, when she said that it's always nice to know someone feels that way about you. Yeah it's nice, but knowing that now, can't help but sow some seeds of regret in my heart, at how things turned out.
I now realise how much of a big jerk I was, I realise now why more than ever before, I didnt deserve her love. I know I told myself I didnt, but I couldnt prove it. Now I can. Now I can really say, that I didn't deserve her love. Now I can really say, that she's a much better person than me. Now I can really say, that her friends were right on, spot on in saying that she should have stopped devoting that much attention to me sooner.
And I wonder, how can I wallow that much in my self pity, in feeling sorry for myself about this current thing I'm in, or got myself into. I know I can't live up to her standards, for I've failed in the very first task, telling the person in question that I love her. I wonder how is it that I can allow myself to feel that bad, when well, if this is karma, I have a long way to go to reap fully what I've sown.
And now, I can really say this, without the pleasantries, without feeling like I had to, without being condescending and being just empty words.
I'm sorry.
And this time, I sincerely mean it, from the bottom of my heart.
This is Dan, signing off, whilst pleading for my readers to not enquire about anything, and to just well, leave things in the past where they belong.
