I've found a friend who died for me

So in the end, getting chased out of my old school by my old CCA, which I've just left like less than six months ago, wasn't such a bad thing. You know, it's like the old saying, "Don't bite the hand that feeds", but this time around, it's more like "Don't feed the hand that bites." Seriously. If I werent already disillusioned by the type of people I generally found in NP, if I werent already disappointed by the inner workings of the CCA, last night put the rubber stamp on the envelope. I am done.

Getting chased out, in a sarcastic manner, like a discarded, disposable tissue which has outlived it's importance, was painfully poetic. Yes, I'm about to launch into a rant again. And this time, for the first time probably, I don't give two hoots who reads this, and what opinion anyone has. For the first time, I'm gonna air dirty laundry in public, and to whom it may concern, so sue me.

For a group of people who've served their time and did their best for the unit for four years, I think it's a fair assessment that we've exceeded all expectations whatsoever, even ours. In such a materialistic, results-based CCA such as ours, if we went into the full list of acheivements and accomplishments that Batch Four accumulated, the record speaks for itself. Two Area Games Day champions. Pioneer NCO Batch for Gold Unit. Two years of ATC Best Camper, Best Improvement Cadet. High placings in Campcraft Comp. And that's just the beginning.

It doesnt matter that we didnt get the credit or the respect, even grudging respect, that these accomplishments deserve. What sucked, is the fact that we continue to get looked down upon, our credit gets stolen and well, no one really has the decency to even come up to us, even during our final parades, to congratulate us on a job well done. For a CCA that tells its cadets to respect their NCOs, where's the respect in that?

I don't think anyone can deny that we've not left the best of impressions on the unit. Especially a select few of our "seniors". I still remember being censored when I wrote that article for the unit magazine, when I said something about looking at things through rose-tinted glasses. But isn't it so? Reflecting honestly, who can deny that we've been judged unfairly, and there are double standards at times? It's like when I was entering Round Two with Alicia last year. I always thought she was an irritating pain in the ass, cos that was kinda the impression I was left with. When I took off the rose tinted glasses, I realised that you know what, I was the pain in the ass. And that's the point. The worse the impression you have about others, the more likely you are to think lowly and think that well, this buncha people are no good and have no leadership at all.

Talking about the dynamics of our squad after a long while, brought us to the issue of ranks once again. We realised that well, basically our squad didnt really care about ranks. And someone brought up this point, which really rang true to me. It was something about how no one in our squad actually had posts. Though we were assigned official posts, there was no line drawn, no proclamations that "Since I'm the Lecture Head, I can't help you with your campcraft training. That's not my post.". Maybe the fact that none of our squad went for CI course, is testament to that.

I don't think I'll ever be impressed when I hear people talking about their ranks and when or how they got their ranks. That was just the way our squad was brought up, with the notion that well, honestly in NP the cadets have two choices.
A) Respect the NCO taking you cos he/she has good leadership skills and has no airs
b) Respect the NCO taking you cos he/she has a high rank

Why is the choice so hard to make? To hit a few raw nerves, what is the point of demanding respect? Is there even such a thing? If the person has to shout "YES SIR" for two over hours every week, and after that calls you all kinds of names, what respect is there? Will you be genuinely happy? I don't get why increasingly, the majority of the CIs who graduate, tend to choose option B. We've seen our fair share in NCHS NPCC alone. Why can't it just sink in, that there's a difference, a big difference, in PRETENDING to be a nice guy, and really being one? Face it, the smile on your face, the pointed jokes at people, mean nothing, if it's just a facade. If that 2bucks piece o'cloth really means that much to you, then try to win the respect, not demand it. Am I preaching? Yes. Is it applicable? Yes. From day one, respect has never been given, it's always been earned, so who are you to change that?

I've said it before. At the end of the day, what matters most is that in four years, or however long the tenure in NP is, so long that I can walk out of the CCA with my head held high, with integrity intact, with respect earned, it is enough. And it is. And where that is concerned, I believe our squad can walk out together, hand in hand, with our heads held high and with respect earned.

We're living testimony, that it doesnt warrant a high rank, for people to respect you.

We're living testimony, that unity and the notion of one for all, all for one is not overrated.

We're living testimony, that the journey travelled together, more than makes up for the sticks and stones thrown our way.

And to mark what will probably be the last post on NP, the pledge still remains the same.

Squad 4 for life.

This is Dan, signing off.

Last night, or early this morning, having a chat with Alicia once again opened my eyes. We shared our private blogs, and well. I must say that once again, I'm blown away.

Reading back on her posts about what happened last year, they really struck a chord with me now. Yeah, a year too late, but oh well. I guess I always thought she was immature and didn't really understand what love or like was. Turns out, I was the fool that didnt. Looking back at the depth of her emotions, how my actions to push her away led to so much negative emotions, I'm forced to face up to the reality that my actions really did cause such consequences. I guess I thought I knew how she felt, but again, I'm the fool.

I know now, almost a year to the day where Round Two started, that the apologies which were given to her before, didnt really mean anything. It didnt mean anything, precisely cos I didn't know, or stop to consider the depth of the injuries inflicted. And suddenly, I'm confronted with the evilness and despicablility of my actions. If I didnt know it already, what I did was too much, too extreme, to be done to her. She didnt deserve it, and now looking back, I don't know how it's possible that the girl didnt come up to me and give me a tight slap.

But if there's one thing good, it's that her dedication, her depth of feeling, has renewed once again my faith in love. I don't doubt for one minute, that she really did like me, that she really did love me, cos if she hadnt, well, she wouldnt have been bothered to care that much about me. She was right last night, when she said that it's always nice to know someone feels that way about you. Yeah it's nice, but knowing that now, can't help but sow some seeds of regret in my heart, at how things turned out.

I now realise how much of a big jerk I was, I realise now why more than ever before, I didnt deserve her love. I know I told myself I didnt, but I couldnt prove it. Now I can. Now I can really say, that I didn't deserve her love. Now I can really say, that she's a much better person than me. Now I can really say, that her friends were right on, spot on in saying that she should have stopped devoting that much attention to me sooner.

And I wonder, how can I wallow that much in my self pity, in feeling sorry for myself about this current thing I'm in, or got myself into. I know I can't live up to her standards, for I've failed in the very first task, telling the person in question that I love her. I wonder how is it that I can allow myself to feel that bad, when well, if this is karma, I have a long way to go to reap fully what I've sown.

And now, I can really say this, without the pleasantries, without feeling like I had to, without being condescending and being just empty words.

I'm sorry.

And this time, I sincerely mean it, from the bottom of my heart.

This is Dan, signing off, whilst pleading for my readers to not enquire about anything, and to just well, leave things in the past where they belong.

Hey all. I've been back for a few days now, and while I can't say I really enjoyed myself fully on the trip, it definitely was an eye opener. I shall upload a few photos that I've gotten from the other people on the trip. Cos my camera spoilt about two days into the trip. I think my fat arse must have sat on the LCD screen and it cracked. No jokes about that from anyone. Especially Aloysius/Pelloysius/Shadori/Curly Hair Monster.

Cool pic huh. I like how the sunrise could be seen and captured. This was taken in London. While I didn’t really like London as much as Canterbury or Rochester, I was still rather impressed by how old and new buildings made the London skyline unique and much unlike Singapore’s.

One of the places that left the deepest impressions on me was Canterbury Cathedral (next two pictures). It just exuded this sense of deep peace and tranquillity. Maybe it was the fact that for so many centuries, pilgrims have paid their respects to this place. Maybe it was the fact that the cathedral did not succumb to modern tourism. Maybe it was the fact that the cathedral was a magnificent work of architecture. Whatever it was, it served to remind that man is but small, and the deep peace I felt proves to me once again, that God is real and He was there in that cathedral.

The next one was taken at the churchyard where supposedly, served as the place for the opening scene in the marshes in Great Expectations. While it wasn’t what I had in my mind previously, at least it was a nice backdrop, and yeah, I could see why it was argued that the small graveyard by the church was the setting for Pip’s visiting of his kin in the opening chapter.

SHOPPING. Covent Gardens. Something about Brits though. Everything is closed after 5pm. Only bars and hotels and service stations seem to be open after 5pm. Is it any wonder why the majority of angmohs are fat?

Shakespeare’s Globe. I liked the authenticity of this place. It was set in a Shakespearean setting, where the actors never used any electronic aids to amplify their voices. Watching Midsummer’s Night Dream there, was a very enjoyable experience.

Alrights. That's all for now. Will be back soon. This is Dan signing off.